i already hear my dad disowning me
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
operation have a gay friend backfired
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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