I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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