I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
