Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
