So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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