a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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