Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
