Everything about him screamed your future.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
