I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
