She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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