I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize