Non-Jews are for practice
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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