I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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