a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
