I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
where are you?
Hypothermia
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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