just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
