if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
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So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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