Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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