now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
