Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
