I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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