i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
