im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
