I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
You took a bar mat shot.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
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I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
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I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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