I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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