but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
