I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
