from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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