My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
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His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
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I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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