she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Drake has all the answers
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
