don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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