Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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