You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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