Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
