a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
