sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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