he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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