we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
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