Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
