I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
