I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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