I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
