is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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