Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
