i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
