We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
