I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
