I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
did you just send me my own nude
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
