please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
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I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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