Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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