you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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