So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
