Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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