yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I wear drunk well.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
