No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
