Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
