So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
