His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
