i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
