3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Found your dick twin last night
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
