Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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